November, 1934: Bon Voyage

Anais sails to New York with Dr. Rank and leaves behind Henry, her father, her husband. She believes psychoanalysis has enabled the birth of the "real me." She is escaping the mothering of these men so that she can begin a life of her own. She plans to stay in New York for two months.

This is the end of the Diary of Anais Nin, Volume One, 1931-1934, which covers the period of winter, 1931 to November, 1934. During this time, Anais Nin has been writing: she just finished her D.H. Lawrence study and has worked on House of Incest and Winter of Artifice; she lives in Louvciennes, a rented home she has decorated in a suburb of Paris; she has met Henry and June Miller; she has been reunited with her father; she has begun psychoanalysis with Dr. Rene Allendy and Dr. Otto Rank; she has delivered a stillborn baby girl; and she has spent hours in Paris cafes, walking the sidewalks of Paris, seeing movies, discussing books.

I am eager to begin Volume Two, 1934-1939, to see what develops during her stay in New York and subsequent return to Paris.

September, 1934: Three Selves

In this entry of The Diary of Anais Nin, Volume One, Anais speaks of being divided into three selves:

She is Mrs. Guiler, living in Louvciennes, with a maid, running a household, paying bills, writing novels and diaries.

She is Mrs. Miller, living in Villa Seurat, peeling her own potatoes and grinding her own coffee, using hand-me-down cups and towels, cleaning her own house, sitting in cafes, talking about books, smoking.

She is a third self, still in development, learning a profession so she may become independent. She is leaving Paris soon and going to New York for two months to assist Dr. Otto Rank.

It reminds me of how at times my inner self and my outer self don't match, are in conflict, and how this takes more energy than just being who I really am. Anais is still finding, discovering, creating herself, as I believe we all are for our entire lives.

August, 1934: Birth

Anais Nin is pregnant with Henry Miller's child, and she does not want to be a mother to a child; she feels like she is already a mother to so many other people who need her. And she wants to be free. She quotes D.H. Lawrence who says, "Do not bring any more children into the world; bring hope into the world." She also feels like bringing this child into the world would result in another child being abandoned by a father as she had been. She feels like not being born at all, dying in the warmth and safety of the womb, is better than being born then being abandoned in the cruel world. After "the birth" is over, she does feel some regret about the little girl she will never know but also feels a stronger connection with God as though she has had a religious experience.

June, 1934: Paris

Louveciennes. The Seine. Montparnasse. Cafe du Dome. Viking Cafe. 32 Rue Blondel. Clichy. Montmarte. Place Blanche. The Sorbonne. Gaumont Palace. Gare Saint-Lazare. Grand Guignol. Poisson d'Or. Cabaret Fetiche. Bibliotheque Nationale. Rue d'Assas. Trocadero Gardens. La Coupole. Metro Cadet. The quays. Saint-Cloud. Quatz Art Ball. Boulevard Suchet. The Bois. Opera Ballet. 49 Avenue Victor Hugo. Notre Dame. Parc de Versailles. Hotel Havana. Rue de Faubourg du Temple. Square Montholon. Scheherazade night club. Boulevard Jean Jaures. Rue Saint-Martin. Cite Universitaire. Cafe Zeyer. Carnival. 18 Villa Seurat. Cafe Alesia. Rue de la Tombe Issoire...Cafe des Mariniers on river bank near Exposition Bridge off Champs Elysees, Caveau des Oubliettes Rouges, Le Paradis, Rue Pigalle, Fred Payne's Bar (14 rue Pigalle), Cafe de la Regence (261 rue St. Honore-where Napoleon and Robespierre played chess), Cafe de la Rotonde. Bal Negre. Hotel Anjou. Trinite. Cafe du Rond Point. Rotisserie de la Reine Pedaque. Printemps. Hotel Cronstadt. Cabaret Rumba. The Select... Side-Car Bar. Galeries Lafayette. Cafe Terminus. Caberet Montmartre. Cafe Colisee. Hotel Odessa. The Majestic. Boule Blanche. Luxembourg. Moulin Rouge. Smith's Tea Room. Rue de la Boule Rouge. Passy. Rue de l'Abbe Groult. 26 rue des Marronniers. Auteuil. Regents Palace. Fitzroy's Tavern. Ivy's. Hotel Havane. Cafe Porte d'Orleans. Parc Monceau. Rue Henri Rochefort. Cafe Marignan. 41 avenue de Versailles. The Louvre. Sylvia Beach.

I can feel the dream, the magic to which Anais speaks.

April, 1934: Live

It appears that this month, Anais Nin has grown weary of introspection and wishes just to live: go to the cafes, the movies, the theatre, and meet some people. And I've been doing the same. I've sampled a few ethnic restaurants in Chicago the last couple weeks: Sultan's Market and Noon-o-Kabab for Middle Eastern; Chutney Joe's for Indian; Sticky Rice for Thai; and Honky Tonk BBQ for, you guessed it, BBQ. I've also seen a few movies the last couple weeks: Margin Call, Melancholia, The Descendants, My Week with Marilyn, and Like Crazy. And I've taken in one theatre production: Sweet Confinement. I haven't met any new people lately, but then again, I don't have Henry Miller to show me around either.

What have you done this month to live your life?

March, 1934: Truth

Anais Nin needs just one person that she can be totally truthful with and receive the same in return, and she wants it to be her father. She is disappointed he seems unable to do this for her and even refuses to admit that he is not being truthful. If she had been able to confide in her father, she would not have had to seek out a psychoanalyst, she says. If only he could take off the mask he wears, give up his artificiality, they could achieve a deep understanding, build a strong human relationship. She feels that if her father can't be this person, she must resort again to the Diary.

How often we expect one person to be everything for us. How often we hope people give to us what we do not give back, although we promise to give it back if they give it to us first.

February, 1934: Change

"I have changed, but nothing around me has changed," Anais says in this entry of the Diary. She has created her world, grown emotionally through love and pain, and when she looks around, everyone and everything else is still the same. I think this happens to all of us, especially when we go away on a vacation or on a retreat. We come back to our every day world eager to share our experiences, full of joy, and try to find someone with whom to share it. Everyone else has been living their own lives, dealing with frustrations or pain or daily drudgery, and it is hard for them to share our joy, and we feel a little dejected, like no one cares. But, then we move on, don't take it personally, and bring our changed beings into the world making it a brighter, better place.

November, 1933: Artist and Woman

In November, 1933, Anais Nin meets Dr. Otto Rank, a Freudian analyst. What distinguishes him from Dr. Rene Allendy is that he emphasizes the differences rather than the similarities of people. He gives special attention to the artist and has in fact written a book entitled Art and Artist. Rank does not believe in spending too much time studying the past and what caused the problems but instead focuses on examining the current symptoms and seeking resolutions that offer immediate relief, a sort of emotional shock treatment. He says the difference between the neurotic and the artist is that the neurotic is a failed artist, a situation where creativity and imagination went wrong; cured neurotics are artists.

It is also in this November, 1933, entry of the Diary that Anais Nin lays groundwork for what becomes a lifelong mission: "And what I have to say is really distinct from the artist and art. It is the woman who has to speak. And it is not only the woman Anais who has to speak, but I who have to speak for many women. As I discover myself, I feel I am merely one of many, a symbol."

October, 1933: Searching

"Somehow or other I always lose my guide halfway up the mountain, and he becomes my child. Even my father. I do not think I am looking for a man, but for a God," Anais Nin writes in her October, 1933 entry of the Diary. She has found several people in her life who play various roles and meet various needs, but no one person is all she needs. She needs attention; she needs understanding, encouragement, appreciation, security. She feels she gives these things to others all the time, but no one knows how to give them back to her. This leads to feelings of loneliness, isolation, bitterness, resentment. She is aware that she asks too much of people, that they give as much as they can, but she still feels deep disappointment.

How do we keep unmet expectations from letting us down? Is it a matter of managing our expectations? It seems that expectations are closely tied to hopes and dreams, and it does no good to stop hoping and dreaming, does it? What would life be like without envisioning our life, our future, our desires?

September, 1933: Let Things Happen

"Let things happen" was Jung's idea of wisdom, and Anais Nin has adopted this idea. She has seen it and admired it in practice with Henry Miller as he constantly lets things happen for the sake of enjoyment. Give in, don't force it, just go with the flow. Don't ask too many questions, don't analyze it too much, just let things happen. Don't struggle so much with other people or against yourself, just accept things. Be happy.

August, 1933: Understanding

Anais Nin is searching for someone who understands her, and aren't we all? It seems like everyone I know, myself included, thinks everyone else's life is easier, better, more glamorous. The stay-at-home moms are bored and want the interaction with adults that full-time employees have. The full-time students can't wait to be done with school so they can experience the real world. The self-employed want the security and paid health insurance that regular employees have. The middle-aged reminisce about being twenty-somethings again.

The reality is, we all experience various pros and cons in our lives as we know them. We all long for someone to understand what we go through on a daily basis. Maybe what we need to do is take to heart the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi: "grant that I may not so much seek to be understood as to understand." I believe that putting the focus, the emphasis on those around us rather than on ourselves will make us much happier people!

June, 1933: Life as Art

Anais Nin's artistic nature developed from the love and suffering she experienced in her life, and she loves as only an artist can love. Highly influenced by Henry Miller, she loves life by enabling all of her senses, loving all that is alive, and charming the world with her mysterious ways. She has a huge passion for life, both the beautiful and the ugly. An artist creates by drawing from within, through confidence and self-love. She creates herself and her life by her own efforts. She feels walking into her own home is magical because of what she has created: the Chinese red, turquoise, and peach walls, the dark carpets , the mosaic fireplace, the lamps, and the curtains. Her life, her art, are created by her.

May, 1933: Like Father, Like Daughter

Anais Nin hasn't spent much time with her father for 20 years, but in May, 1933, he comes to her. She has spent these 20 years trying not to be like him, but now, she realizes how similar they are to each other. They both love music and the sea. They both dislike poverty. They are both curious. They have both consciously created their personalities. They both live with order and discipline. He has shaped what she has become without even being present.

I once made a list of the positive and negative qualities of my parents that I felt I possessed and realized how much like both of them I am even though I feel like they are different from each other. It is said that we choose partners who possess both the positive and negative traits of our parents. So, who am I, and who do I choose in a partner? I guess we are all a little bit of everything.

March, 1933: Create your World

Live your dreams. Suffer, make mistakes, give, lose. Love will come to you. Life will open up to you through adventure, travel.

This entry of the Diary ends on the eve of Anais Nin's father's return. At this stage of her life, she is 30 years old and no longer needs a father. She has spent the last 20 years or so creating her life, trying to make herself interesting, developing her charms and skills as a writer, so that she can woo him back. She still feels that her father left the family because he was disappointed in Anais and didn't want her.

It is amazing how much time and effort we spend trying to fix things we have created in our own minds.

February, 1933: Attitude

Everyone loves positive attitude, positive energy, positive mood. It draws you to a person or a place, and as you would expect, the opposite drives you away. Anais Nin points this out in this entry in her Diary as she says it is the mood which lights up shabby hotel rooms, stained cafe tables, noisy streets, and sour wine.

Certain people attract people; they are magnets. They are usually smiling, laughing, telling funny stories, upbeat. You want to be around them. You may want to be like them or wonder what their secret is and if some of what they have can rub off on you in you hang around them long enough. Can they maintain this? Are they this way all the time, or does it become a strain? What are they like in solitude? What are they like when home alone with their significant other?

I am not one of these people, but I am aware of the energy I bring to a situation. If I bring a positive vibe, I can inspire others, make them feel happy. If I bring a negative energy, I can bring them down.

January, 1933: Liberation from the Ego

In this entry of The Diary of Anais Nin, Volume One, Anais records a note to Dr. Rene Allendy that says, "this liberation from the ego is what seems to me your most precious gift to me. And it is only then one begins to love..."

Anais has become aware of her ego, which includes her thoughts, opinions, judgments, memories, resentments, reactions, emotions. The ego seems to always be "on," in an automatic, habitual, unconscious state. Awareness of what's going on inside her head is the first step to Anais' freedom, and only when she frees herself can she truly love.

Anais also speaks of feeling loved when she is known and understood and how her fear and lack of confidence and courage have narrowed her world and limited the people she has known and thus, people who have known and understood and loved her. Love can come full circle if one reaches out to others first.

December, 1932: Notebook of Extroversion

Anais Nin was frequently discouraged by others to write in her Diary. Some accused her of being a narcissist by focusing on herself so much; others felt that it prevented her from living because her head was buried in her Diary instead of being out in the world. Anais says the Diary has become "the notebook of my extroversion." It is a record of how meeting new people such as Henry and June Miller and Dr. Rene Allendy influenced her growth and brought her out of her shell. She is having adventures with people and in places that had before been foreign to her. She is having discussions and thoughts that continue to expand and develop her. Meeting new people does tend to break us out of patterns and broaden our horizons.

November, 1932: Yearning

Anais Nin feels a "sickness of the soul" and yearns to read, write, listen to music, discuss philosophy, be contemplative, be at peace, have solitude, surround herself with beauty. I felt this today myself as I struggled with frustrations at work and just wanted to stop the world and jump off or at least go into hiding. I longed for the joy and peace of a sabbatical filled with long walks, healthy foods, exercise, pampering, good conversations. For now, the memories of such times will have to suffice.

October, 1932: Proceed from the dream outward

Anais Nin heard Carl Jung's phrase "to proceed from the dream outward" and was moved to action: talking, writing, reading, walking, working, imagining, creating, living, loving. Her Henry and June phase has reached its climax at this point as June returns to Paris. Anais feels as though she brings out the best in both of them, and in return, both of them have opened her eyes, developed and expanded her, made her a woman instead of a grown child. This process has been painful for Anais, but change usually is.

July, 1932: Destiny

In this entry of the Diary, Anais says, "to what extent we shape our destiny is a mystery. What we call our destiny is truly our character, and that character can be altered.The knowledge that we are responsible for our actions and attitudes does not need to be discouraging, because it also means we are free to change this destiny."

She's speaking of personal responsibility here. Parents are no longer the problem; sexual abuse is no longer the problem; the ex-husband is no longer the problem; middle age is no longer the problem. So I can stop blaming and take a look at myself instead. It doesn't matter what faults I can find in someone else; it matters what my responses are. It also means I can release the expectations of what I think my parents wanted for me or what my life would have been had I not married that particular man. This actually feels like freedom.

June, 1932: Happiness

Dr. Allendy asks Anais Nin where she has been most happy, and she replies that it is in nature, in a quiet place, wearing no make-up or fancy clothes, playing no roles. Anais has tended to wear costumes to set herself apart from other women, to appear interesting and confident, but the truth is, she does it to conceal her lack of confidence. She says other women ask her where she gets her clothes, where she has her hair done, how she does her make-up, in hopes of becoming like her, but Anais realizes her appearance is all part of her act. It is her act which distinguishes her from other women; it's how she does it.

Happiness, ever elusive. The new haircut, make-up, clothes bring us short-term happiness because we feel better about ourselves when we are out in public looking good, but when we come home and wash off the make-up and take off the clothes, we are left with ourselves. In our homes, being natural, not trying to impress anyone, feeling little stress, we can certainly feel peace. Anais felt most natural in Switzerland, on vacation. How can we bring the easiness we feel on vacation into our everyday lives? Do we have the courage to drop some of the pretenses in our daily routines?

May 25, 1932: Laboratory of the Soul

Anais Nin reflects on her analysis session with Dr. Allendy and speaks of the deforming mirror that each of us carries in which we see ourselves not as we truly are but instead as we perceive ourselves to be. This reflection in the mirror is based on patterns developed as a child as we learn from adults around us what is acceptable, what to believe, what is beautiful, what is good, what is right. She says that once this deforming mirror is broken, only then can we be whole and experience joy.

Henry Miller is helping Anais break the mirror by bringing her out of her shyness and solitude and into the Paris cafe life filled with discussions and storytelling which often go on until dawn. She wants to be a part of intense and joyous moments, but her fears tend to hold her back. Dr. Allendy tells her, "Until you can act perfectly naturally according to your own nature, you will never be happy. The more you act like yourself, the nearer you will come to fulfillment of your own needs. Any experience which answers to a deep need of your nature is right."

May 20, 1932: Growth

Anais Nin continues to be psychoanalyzed by Dr. Rene Allendy who says she is responding quickly and is almost cured. Anais knows, however, that she is hiding parts of herself, keeping secrets, holding back. Her reading of D.H. Lawrence opened her up but shattered her into pieces, and she says that each piece is separate and is developing a life of its own. Anais knows she cannot be content with a domestic life filled with wifely duties and yet she's not sure the vagabond artist's life of Henry fits her either.

Anais is growing, developing, expanding. She is meeting people, going places, and doing things outside of the comfort zone of her past, and she is thriving, living, perhaps for the first time and becoming her own woman, not the woman her mother or father or husband wants her to become. It takes courage and confidence. Anais knows she may disappoint others, but who's life is this anyway?

This week I did a breakfast tour of Chicago, going to a new place each day: Tweet Let's Eat, Over Easy Cafe, Bongo Room, M. Henry, and Lula Cafe. I took long walks afterwards and explored new parts of the city. Reading, writing, observing people and architecture, striking up conversations with strangers have all been part of my week. I think of Anais staying up past midnight, watching the sun rise, talking, drinking wine, discovering herself which inspires me to do the same. What have you done to expand yourself?

May 4, 1932: Bohemian Glamour

Even as a young girl, Anais Nin imagined her life as being full of luxury, travel, and adventure. When her father left the family, she felt she also lost the lifestyle of the musician: a life of color and prestige, a society life. She decided to become a writer so she could appear interesting and perhaps win back her father with her accomplishments. She had a chance to have a dancer's life of travel, adventure, pampering, and color, but sacrificed this life for her family. Life in America had been a struggle, hanging out with unfashionable friends and being an unknown compared to the glamorous European life to which she had become accustomed.

Years later, when Anais meets the Millers, she feels the need to create a fuller life for herself, one of tales to tell, experiences to be had, engaging conversations of which to be a part, just to keep up with them. Their Bohemian lifestyle seems more sincere to her, more interesting, richer than her father's had. A typical work day for she and Henry Miller amounts to sitting at a Paris cafe table, drinking a bottle of wine, talking. Now that's a job I could get used to!

As an adult, Anais found her father's lifestyle and people to be shallow and artificial and empty, regardless of the titles they could claim and the money they had. Henry's lifestyle and people were the opposite: deep, real, and full, despite their poverty. Because of her privileged background, however, Anais does bring an element of glamour to Henry's life by wearing beautiful clothes and fancy perfume, preparing elegant meals, lighting logs in the fireplace, and elevating his life to one of Bohemian Glamour in her presence.

April, 1932: Confidence

Psychoanalysis with Dr. Rene Allendy begins. On her first visit with him, Anais Nin tells about her life in general and emphasizes how independent she is, and he responds with, "In spite of that, you seem to lack confidence." Boom, he really hit the nail on the head! Anais feels that her father never wanted her, was over-critical, never pleased, called her ugly, so she withdrew and became independent, self-sufficient, with no needs she could not meet herself. At the same time, she admits to her hypersensitivity, her need for reassurance, her need to be loved, and her need to be understood. Maybe she is not so independent as she thinks?

Anais decides to visit Dr. Allendy infrequently so as to give herself time to absorb the information they discuss, and at the same time, make her less dependent on him. She is torn with wanting to confide in a human being the same way she confides in her Diary, to confess to a human being her shortcomings, but she is not willing or able to let down her guard and risk being loved less.

Some people "wear their heart on their sleeve" whereas others are closed to others they don't know or trust. Past hurts lead to fears and mistrust and lack of confidence and can really interfere with your present life. I can certainly identify with Anais, and that is why I am so inspired by her. She just put herself out there, lived through her fears, and came out a confident, articulate woman.

February, 1932: Compassion

"Compassion is the only key I ever found that fits everyone," Anais Nin tells Henry Miller during a discussion about his wife, June. "Passion and violence never opened a human being," Anais says. In this entry of her Diary, she also speaks of how only love seeks to know and understand a person. Henry seems to be filled with anger, but as for Anais: "I love, I love, I love."

The story of the Prodigal Son comes to mind here. The younger son leaves after first asking his father for his share of the estate; he returns years later with nothing, after having squandered everything. A celebratory feast takes place upon his return. The older son is angry, jealous, resentful; he had toiled away all the years the younger son was away, and no fatted calf was ever killed in his honor. The father is filled with compassion and love and forgiveness and is focused only on the fact that the younger son had been lost, and now he is found.

What develops our perspective to see and feel things so differently? Perhaps her upbringing, with an absent father she longed to come home, developed Anais Nin's sensitive side and her compassionate nature. Did she ever feel anger over her father's departure, or only sorrow? Other people, with a similar upbringing such as parents who divorce, can become angry, bitter adults. It is interesting how people process the events of their lives so differently.

December 30, 1931: True Nature

In this Diary entry, Anais Nin speaks of her true nature as being comprised of idealism, spirituality, poetry, imagination, beauty, and a need to create. She at times feels a lack of imagination and beauty in other people and is drawn to those more like herself.

Her need to create may be what drew her to June Mansfield, who creates a life filled with fantasies, and this feeds Anais' cravings to be released from boredom of life in quiet Louveciennes. June has had experiences, heightened by drugs and alcohol, which appeal to Anais although Anais feels she carries this heightened state within her, with no need of drugs or alcohol. June's lack of ethics also create contradictions in how Anais feels towards her, as Anais reminds herself not to expect others to be like her, not to tamper with others' nature, and instead to accept them entirely.

How true this is, to be attracted to traits in others you wish to have in yourself, but at the same time, to try to make them more like yourself. You can spin yourself dizzy. Just when you think you've found a like-minded companion, you discover they have a flaw. Oh, but wait a minute, I have a few flaws of my own.

Winter, 1931-1932: Inspiration

In the first entry of The Diary of Anais Nin, Volume 1, Anais speaks of having feelings of monotony and boredom, and then a shock treatment took place which awakened her. D.H. Lawrence was the person who inspired her, but inspiration can also come from a place or a song or a book or a work of art. Anais wrote the book, D.H. Lawrence: An Unprofessional Study in gratitude to him two years after his death. I am writing this blog in gratitude to Anais who inspires me.

Many people live in a state of boredom and monotony without even knowing it. They take the train to work, spend eight hours at a conventional job, take the train home, then watch a few hours of television, go to bed, and do it all over again day after day without even thinking about it, out of habit. Others live in this state and are aware of it but do nothing about it. Are they tired, defeated, hopeless; has life worn them out?

At times I feel the symptoms of restlessness and absence of pleasure to which Anais refers. I can create my life as she created hers by engaging in a creative project to help balance my conventional job, and by confronting myself instead of blaming others as being responsible for my life.

Who or what has inspired you, and where did this inspiration take you?

Introduction

When I think of Anais Nin, I think of creativity and relationships, a life deeply lived, full of travel, discovery, beauty, and meaning. With this blog, I hope to study her life, have dialogues with you, and work on developing in my own life and in yours, the ability to speak up, discover ourselves, and achieve a greater understanding of the human spirit and all that we have in common. Let the journey to create a more meaningful life begin right now...