November, 1934: Bon Voyage

Anais sails to New York with Dr. Rank and leaves behind Henry, her father, her husband. She believes psychoanalysis has enabled the birth of the "real me." She is escaping the mothering of these men so that she can begin a life of her own. She plans to stay in New York for two months.

This is the end of the Diary of Anais Nin, Volume One, 1931-1934, which covers the period of winter, 1931 to November, 1934. During this time, Anais Nin has been writing: she just finished her D.H. Lawrence study and has worked on House of Incest and Winter of Artifice; she lives in Louvciennes, a rented home she has decorated in a suburb of Paris; she has met Henry and June Miller; she has been reunited with her father; she has begun psychoanalysis with Dr. Rene Allendy and Dr. Otto Rank; she has delivered a stillborn baby girl; and she has spent hours in Paris cafes, walking the sidewalks of Paris, seeing movies, discussing books.

I am eager to begin Volume Two, 1934-1939, to see what develops during her stay in New York and subsequent return to Paris.

September, 1934: Three Selves

In this entry of The Diary of Anais Nin, Volume One, Anais speaks of being divided into three selves:

She is Mrs. Guiler, living in Louvciennes, with a maid, running a household, paying bills, writing novels and diaries.

She is Mrs. Miller, living in Villa Seurat, peeling her own potatoes and grinding her own coffee, using hand-me-down cups and towels, cleaning her own house, sitting in cafes, talking about books, smoking.

She is a third self, still in development, learning a profession so she may become independent. She is leaving Paris soon and going to New York for two months to assist Dr. Otto Rank.

It reminds me of how at times my inner self and my outer self don't match, are in conflict, and how this takes more energy than just being who I really am. Anais is still finding, discovering, creating herself, as I believe we all are for our entire lives.

August, 1934: Birth

Anais Nin is pregnant with Henry Miller's child, and she does not want to be a mother to a child; she feels like she is already a mother to so many other people who need her. And she wants to be free. She quotes D.H. Lawrence who says, "Do not bring any more children into the world; bring hope into the world." She also feels like bringing this child into the world would result in another child being abandoned by a father as she had been. She feels like not being born at all, dying in the warmth and safety of the womb, is better than being born then being abandoned in the cruel world. After "the birth" is over, she does feel some regret about the little girl she will never know but also feels a stronger connection with God as though she has had a religious experience.

June, 1934: Paris

Louveciennes. The Seine. Montparnasse. Cafe du Dome. Viking Cafe. 32 Rue Blondel. Clichy. Montmarte. Place Blanche. The Sorbonne. Gaumont Palace. Gare Saint-Lazare. Grand Guignol. Poisson d'Or. Cabaret Fetiche. Bibliotheque Nationale. Rue d'Assas. Trocadero Gardens. La Coupole. Metro Cadet. The quays. Saint-Cloud. Quatz Art Ball. Boulevard Suchet. The Bois. Opera Ballet. 49 Avenue Victor Hugo. Notre Dame. Parc de Versailles. Hotel Havana. Rue de Faubourg du Temple. Square Montholon. Scheherazade night club. Boulevard Jean Jaures. Rue Saint-Martin. Cite Universitaire. Cafe Zeyer. Carnival. 18 Villa Seurat. Cafe Alesia. Rue de la Tombe Issoire...Cafe des Mariniers on river bank near Exposition Bridge off Champs Elysees, Caveau des Oubliettes Rouges, Le Paradis, Rue Pigalle, Fred Payne's Bar (14 rue Pigalle), Cafe de la Regence (261 rue St. Honore-where Napoleon and Robespierre played chess), Cafe de la Rotonde. Bal Negre. Hotel Anjou. Trinite. Cafe du Rond Point. Rotisserie de la Reine Pedaque. Printemps. Hotel Cronstadt. Cabaret Rumba. The Select... Side-Car Bar. Galeries Lafayette. Cafe Terminus. Caberet Montmartre. Cafe Colisee. Hotel Odessa. The Majestic. Boule Blanche. Luxembourg. Moulin Rouge. Smith's Tea Room. Rue de la Boule Rouge. Passy. Rue de l'Abbe Groult. 26 rue des Marronniers. Auteuil. Regents Palace. Fitzroy's Tavern. Ivy's. Hotel Havane. Cafe Porte d'Orleans. Parc Monceau. Rue Henri Rochefort. Cafe Marignan. 41 avenue de Versailles. The Louvre. Sylvia Beach.

I can feel the dream, the magic to which Anais speaks.

April, 1934: Live

It appears that this month, Anais Nin has grown weary of introspection and wishes just to live: go to the cafes, the movies, the theatre, and meet some people. And I've been doing the same. I've sampled a few ethnic restaurants in Chicago the last couple weeks: Sultan's Market and Noon-o-Kabab for Middle Eastern; Chutney Joe's for Indian; Sticky Rice for Thai; and Honky Tonk BBQ for, you guessed it, BBQ. I've also seen a few movies the last couple weeks: Margin Call, Melancholia, The Descendants, My Week with Marilyn, and Like Crazy. And I've taken in one theatre production: Sweet Confinement. I haven't met any new people lately, but then again, I don't have Henry Miller to show me around either.

What have you done this month to live your life?

March, 1934: Truth

Anais Nin needs just one person that she can be totally truthful with and receive the same in return, and she wants it to be her father. She is disappointed he seems unable to do this for her and even refuses to admit that he is not being truthful. If she had been able to confide in her father, she would not have had to seek out a psychoanalyst, she says. If only he could take off the mask he wears, give up his artificiality, they could achieve a deep understanding, build a strong human relationship. She feels that if her father can't be this person, she must resort again to the Diary.

How often we expect one person to be everything for us. How often we hope people give to us what we do not give back, although we promise to give it back if they give it to us first.

February, 1934: Change

"I have changed, but nothing around me has changed," Anais says in this entry of the Diary. She has created her world, grown emotionally through love and pain, and when she looks around, everyone and everything else is still the same. I think this happens to all of us, especially when we go away on a vacation or on a retreat. We come back to our every day world eager to share our experiences, full of joy, and try to find someone with whom to share it. Everyone else has been living their own lives, dealing with frustrations or pain or daily drudgery, and it is hard for them to share our joy, and we feel a little dejected, like no one cares. But, then we move on, don't take it personally, and bring our changed beings into the world making it a brighter, better place.