Waste of Timelessness

Anais Nin wrote this short story in late 1930, but it wasn't published until about the time of her death in 1977. It's also known as "the boat story," and tells a story about Alain Roussel who symbolizes the unattainable. She had difficulty getting it published when she first wrote it; it was rejected by the Adelphi literary journal and Vogue magazine. Her friends who read and commented on the story gave her such feedback as: "I like your manner of not overdeveloping, of indicating and suggesting, so that you get the reader's imagination creating," Her husband suggested she develop the story, say more, make it more clear, but she felt she had said all there was to say.

In the story, a woman attends a party at a friend of the great writer Alain Roussel's house, but he was not in attendance. In the garden was a boat, which the woman untied from a tree. The boat drifted down a river, like a person drifts around in life, like a person who wants to just get away from everyone and everything. Twenty years later, the woman decides to stop wasting time and get on with her life, begin anew, as she ties the boat back to the tree in the garden. She has lived like wisteria, persistent in her stubbornness, refusing to behave differently. She's been searching for a world that will conform to her philosophy; she's been looking for something better, something that's been missing. She's trying to escape her current life and come back completely changed. Until now. Now, she realizes you can't always have magic; you can't always live an uncommon life; you can't always escape ordinary living. If you chase happiness, it becomes elusive, unattainable.

You have this life. Go live it.

Summer, 1974: Bali

Anais Nin read a book 27 years before her trip to Bali that made her wish to visit the island, and it took her 27 years for her wish to come true. It was "now or never" time for Anais, as she is 71 years old, fighting cancer, with failing health.

A few notes on her visit there:

- soft, caressing climate
- smell of sandalwood and spices, magnolias and frangipani
- overwhelming beauty of the Balinese with long, glossy black hair, honey-colored skin, and sinuous walk
- stayed in a bungalow facing the sea
- gravel paths lighted by bamboo lanterns
- had candlelit dinners with music
- state of reverie
- 10,000 temples, where women were not allowed during menstruation
- no ugly houses
- belief that harmony and balance of body create inner balance of spirit
- no jails - offender must leave the island forever
- life, religion, and art converge - everyone is an artist, creativity is natural and widespread
- absence of anger and strong emotions except laughter
- belief that death is a freeing of the soul

Anais Nin asked herself while she was there, "Will I come back?" Life is short; she did not return to this special island.

Spring, 1974: Survival Mode

Anais Nin is still coloring her hair and painting her nails while having digestive problems and a recurrence of cancer. She writes, "So much to live for - the shining love of friends, Piccolino's clowning, the life-giving pool, the birds." Also, "fascinating letters" and "beautiful photographs" come every day in the mail. She can't swim as many laps as she used to and has to give up her daily martini as it hurts her stomach. She is focused on Volume Six and staying alive long enough to get the diaries published.

Winter, 1973 - 1974: More on Aging

Anais writes, "I wish we could talk about aging. I was more concerned about that at thirty and forty than now at seventy. Because I found that if you live deeply, remain emotionally alive, curious, explorative, open to change, to new experiences, aging recedes. It is not chronological, it is psychic."

She continues, "I say transcend it. I'm able to write all day, to swim, to lecture, to travel. Of course, I had to learn my energy was not infinite, but only this year. I think the youthful spirit wins over the face and body. You look beautiful and interesting in your photograph. Free yourself from the false mask of aging: It is merely a moment of tiredness."

Anais is out in the world buying cotton or velvet Indian dresses, being joyous and free in Mexico or Tahiti, never bored, interested in everything, seeing, loving, and experiencing everything she can.

Fall, 1973: Aging

Anais, facing limitations of energy due to age and illness, visits Henry Miller who is recovering from a serious surgery. She refers to the "outrages of age, the cruelties, the slow corrosions," and further says, "I am glad Gonzalo died before being crippled. I hope the same will happen to me. I don't want to live as Miller has, limping, in pain, not able to travel and now for the second time undergoing major surgery. Henry once so healthy, joyous, lively. Tireless walker, hearty eater." Meanwhile, Anais goes to her doctor's office once a week to receive an injection because she is bleeding slightly, afraid of the cancer returning, and at times, living on tea and toast.

When you see an old person today, remember that they too were once healthy, joyous, lively.

Summer, 1973: Artist as Magician

Anais Nin receives an Honorary Doctorate of Art from the Philadelphia College of Art where she speaks, "impromptu, inspired as always by the theme of artist as magician."

Here is an excerpt from the transcript of her commencement address:

"As a writer I wanted simply to take all the various expressions of art into writing, and I thought each art must nourish the other, each one can add to the other. And I would take into writing what I learned from dancing, what I learned from music, what I learned from design, what I learned from architecture. From every form of art there is something that I wanted to include in writing, and I wanted writing, poetic writing, to include them all."

Art has the power to create something out of nothing, which can be lonely as those around us don't understand our art and alienate us from society. The artist risks this alienation to attract those who can relate to his work.

Spring, 1973: Say Yes to Everything

In a letter to a friend, Anais that she has always said "yes" to everything, which made her life complex. "But that is the only way we can live, having only one life."

She's given 58 lectures since the previous September, even though she's 70 years old and has cancer. She finished editing Volume Five of the Diary and is looking towards editing Volumes Six and Seven, knowing she doesn't have much time left.

Anais mentions "Xeroxing" Volume Five - my how things have changed over the last 40 years!

It's easy to say "yes" to the things we want to do, but what if we said "yes" even to things we weren't sure we wanted to do? It's a philosophy and guiding principle of life that may bring many opportunities your way. It's a way not to live a safe life. Saying "yes" may bring fear as you challenge your comfort zone, open your eyes to new possibilities, and free up the time you spend thinking about whether you should say yes or no. A casual yes may lead to something spectacular.

If by saying yes to everything you get overwhelmed, then say yes to help!

Winter, 1972 - 1973: Anais Turns 70

Anais Nin turns 70 during this diary entry. Her are a few of her thoughts as she is coming into 70:

- she is depressed by the victory of Nixon
- she says being famous has enabled her to meet other artists, travel to other countries, discover new ideas
- she believes we need to make a synthesis between the public self and the private
- she feels some women make war on man, psychology, introspection, individuality
- her efforts are directed at liberating women psychologically, emotionally
- because of the radiation done for her cancer, she has to live on tea and toast when on lecture tours and can't have wine
- she loves the mixture of an active adventurous life matched by philosophy and psychological awareness
- she doesn't consider marriage any more difficult than other relationships with family, children, friends: "They all demand our fullest creativity. They do not happen miraculously."
- she writes to a friend: "Tomorrow I am seventy - and have no time to wait wait wait"

Fall, 1972: Life is Beautiful

Anais Nin says that her life is beautiful: "Work on the film. A warm pool, an enchanting playful dog. The sun. Indian cotton dresses in the closet." She is 69 years old, lecturing at colleges, living life in the public eye, and she is exhausted. She prefers a quiet life of writing, swimming, and playing with Piccolino, and the notoriety she has received has given her the financial freedom to live the quiet life when not on lecture tours.