Anais Nin buys a press which is delivered to her studio at 144 Macdougal Street. She finds paper, buys type, borrows a book from the library on how to print. Gonzalo runs the press, and Anais cuts paper and sets the type, which takes an hour and a half for the first half page.
She says this is a "marvelous cure for anger and frustration," working independently, creating an individually perfect world. It no longer matters that the publishers insult and reject her. The work is challenging, so she forgets everything else, and wakes up with "eager curiosity" to get to the press and begin work on Winter of Artiface.
"We learned the hard way, by experience, without a teacher. Testing, inventing, seeking, struggling." Anais continues, "We dreamt, ate, talked, slept with the press. We ate sandwiches with the taste of ink, got ink in our hair and inside our nails."
"The relationship to handcraft is a beautiful one." Anais elaborates, "You pit your faculties against concrete problems. The victories are concrete, definable, touchable. A page of perfect printing. You can touch the page you wrote. We exult in what we master and discover. Instead of using one's energy in a void, against frustration, in anger against publishers, I use it on the press, type, paper, a source of energy. Solving problems, technical, mechanical problems. Which can be solved."
Anais is happy. The press gives her energy. She uses this energy to generate a tangible, visible result. She has failures; she makes discoveries; she has triumphs. It is not frustrating, but it is a cure for frustration because the problems she encounters can be solved. That is key.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
December, 1941: Heightened Living
Anais Nin connects with the poet George Barker, and everything flows as they talk and she realizes they are both searching for heightened living where they can love and write and dream and work and talk and sleep.
She meets Frances Steloff who opened the Gotham Book Mart almost 22 years earlier. Anais describes Frances as having antennae and a gift for friendship while welcoming "the unusual, the uncommercial, the avant-garde."
Anais takes a loft on Macdougal Street, across from the Provincetown theater on the top floor of an old house, surrounded by similar houses, giving the feeling of the casual, artist's life. Now this is heightened living.
She meets Frances Steloff who opened the Gotham Book Mart almost 22 years earlier. Anais describes Frances as having antennae and a gift for friendship while welcoming "the unusual, the uncommercial, the avant-garde."
Anais takes a loft on Macdougal Street, across from the Provincetown theater on the top floor of an old house, surrounded by similar houses, giving the feeling of the casual, artist's life. Now this is heightened living.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
November, 1941: Taming your Demons
Anais Nin lists her demons as anger, jealousy, envy, revengefulness, and vanity. She keeps them locked up, caged in the Diary. She believes everyone has demons which can destroy you if you don't tame them, control them. You can do harm to others. She lists Gonzalo's demons as jealousy and drink and Henry's as the drive to write, the drive to conquer the world, and a need to possess as many women as possible.
Anais wonders, who is the real Anais, the real Gonzalo, the real Henry? The one she knows, or the one they present to the world? She says we all have a thousand faces.
None of us is perfect; we all have faults and vices. We do well to focus on our positive qualities, encourage ourselves, accept ourselves. It takes courage to overcome life patterns. Many times, we become angry, jealous, envious because we take personally what others say to us when they are angry, jealous, envious themselves. Poisonous words and behaviors spread. Awareness is the first step towards changing our emotional reaction. We can still feel these emotions and seek to understand them. Perhaps we can write out our feelings in our diaries so that we too tame them and control them rather than harming others.
Anais wonders, who is the real Anais, the real Gonzalo, the real Henry? The one she knows, or the one they present to the world? She says we all have a thousand faces.
None of us is perfect; we all have faults and vices. We do well to focus on our positive qualities, encourage ourselves, accept ourselves. It takes courage to overcome life patterns. Many times, we become angry, jealous, envious because we take personally what others say to us when they are angry, jealous, envious themselves. Poisonous words and behaviors spread. Awareness is the first step towards changing our emotional reaction. We can still feel these emotions and seek to understand them. Perhaps we can write out our feelings in our diaries so that we too tame them and control them rather than harming others.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
October, 1941: Ending a Friendship
Anais Nin has known the actress Luise Rainer for about a year now. Luise arrived in Anais's life floating and flowing and graceful and expressive. She was so real that she wore no makeup in real life. Now, Anais seems turned off by Luise's lack of interest in her personal appearance; not only does she wear no makeup, she dresses negligently, doesn't paint her nails, wears neutral-colored clothing, and in general, appears to want to make herself less attractive.
The two women get into a bit of an argument about neurosis and psychoanalysis. Anais believes that the act of creating something (a novel, a painting, some music) is one way out of neurosis, and psychoanalysis (a discipline which requires confronting yourself) is the other. Luise then says something to Anais the next day which hurts her feelings, and Anais begins the process of ending the friendship which has become "destructive."
What initially attracted Anais to Luise now repels her. Disagreements that in the past, when the friendship was new, challenged and excited Anais now make her weary. Why does this happen, and at what point does it happen? Is there anything we can do to keep a friendship alive? The answer probably has something to do with managing expectations and handling disappointments.
The two women get into a bit of an argument about neurosis and psychoanalysis. Anais believes that the act of creating something (a novel, a painting, some music) is one way out of neurosis, and psychoanalysis (a discipline which requires confronting yourself) is the other. Luise then says something to Anais the next day which hurts her feelings, and Anais begins the process of ending the friendship which has become "destructive."
What initially attracted Anais to Luise now repels her. Disagreements that in the past, when the friendship was new, challenged and excited Anais now make her weary. Why does this happen, and at what point does it happen? Is there anything we can do to keep a friendship alive? The answer probably has something to do with managing expectations and handling disappointments.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
September, 1941: Luise Rainer
Anais Nin becomes friends with the actress Luise Rainer, who reminds her of June Miller. By the way, Luise turned 102 in January, 2012.
Anais describes Luise as follows: "She is unconscious of her tangled hair, likes her face washed of make-up, has no desire to present to the world off stage the mask of the actress, the false eyelashes, the redesigned mouth. She will not be an actress in life. I see a conflict between the woman and the actress. She wants to act out projections of her self, to be herself on stage, and not become other women. She seeks extensions of herself."
Luise is unhappy because of the demands and expectations she feels from others. I think we all feel these conflicts between what we think the world wants from us and what we want from life. In a way, we are all actors and actresses when we present to the world one side of ourselves, but in private, we are another person. Why do we do this? Why can't the inner and outer person be one in the same?
Anais describes Luise as follows: "She is unconscious of her tangled hair, likes her face washed of make-up, has no desire to present to the world off stage the mask of the actress, the false eyelashes, the redesigned mouth. She will not be an actress in life. I see a conflict between the woman and the actress. She wants to act out projections of her self, to be herself on stage, and not become other women. She seeks extensions of herself."
Luise is unhappy because of the demands and expectations she feels from others. I think we all feel these conflicts between what we think the world wants from us and what we want from life. In a way, we are all actors and actresses when we present to the world one side of ourselves, but in private, we are another person. Why do we do this? Why can't the inner and outer person be one in the same?
Sunday, June 10, 2012
June, 1941: Provincetown, Youth, and Aging
The highlight of this entry of Anais Nin's Diary is her vacation in Provincetown. She is now 38 years old and has begun to think about aging. She sees Henry and Gonzalo aging. She lives in a country that loves youth. She listens to a 50-year-old talk about the past, reliving it, wanting to be in that place in time again when he was young. She finds her first gray hair and notices fine lines around her eyes when she smiles.
Anais goes to Provincetown in an autumnal mood which she says is caused by the young, who make her feel less young. She leaves Provincetown in a different mood, one of rebirth, where she sheds her fear of autumnal life.
When did you start to feel old? Does old age begin when one looks backward instead of forward? What did you do to shake that feeling of being old? Is it good to be old - when you're more yourself, when you've figured things out and have less conflict, when you have less self-doubt and are happier? Are there old people in your life whom you admire?
Anais Nin's famous quote "life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage" is contained within this Diary entry.
Anais goes to Provincetown in an autumnal mood which she says is caused by the young, who make her feel less young. She leaves Provincetown in a different mood, one of rebirth, where she sheds her fear of autumnal life.
When did you start to feel old? Does old age begin when one looks backward instead of forward? What did you do to shake that feeling of being old? Is it good to be old - when you're more yourself, when you've figured things out and have less conflict, when you have less self-doubt and are happier? Are there old people in your life whom you admire?
Anais Nin's famous quote "life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage" is contained within this Diary entry.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
April, 1941: Finding a place in America
There's lots of talk in this entry of the Diary about differences between America and Europe and between the East and West coasts.
There is concern about lives becoming less meaningful, less vital, less sparkling and warm in America than they were in Europe. Anais and her friends feel more restrictions, less freedom, less tolerance, less intimacy with other people. Harlem and MacDougal Alley in New York city seem to be the exceptions.
Anais also feels that America does not want her writing. Rejection by American publishers makes her feel "deprived of existence, forced back into solitude, disconnected from life. Being published would have been a bridge between myself and American life. Without it, it means a shrunken life, a small world, less expansion and contact with the world." she says.
Citizen Kane has been released, and Anais talks about how it magnifies the drama of emptiness, an emptiness she never experienced in Europe. She says Kane was the symbol of inhumanity, the absence of the capacity to love, the symbol of greed, a total failure as a man. He seems to represent America to her.
Meanwhile, Henry Miller is in Hollywood where he believes he has finally found what he's been looking for in America - "the vital spot for people like us." He says in Hollywood, he has begun to get something out of America and is filled us with things to write about. Out West, they are isolated from the rest of the country, in a favorable climate, have sun and water and mountains, and people are genuinely good hearted.
There is concern about lives becoming less meaningful, less vital, less sparkling and warm in America than they were in Europe. Anais and her friends feel more restrictions, less freedom, less tolerance, less intimacy with other people. Harlem and MacDougal Alley in New York city seem to be the exceptions.
Anais also feels that America does not want her writing. Rejection by American publishers makes her feel "deprived of existence, forced back into solitude, disconnected from life. Being published would have been a bridge between myself and American life. Without it, it means a shrunken life, a small world, less expansion and contact with the world." she says.
Citizen Kane has been released, and Anais talks about how it magnifies the drama of emptiness, an emptiness she never experienced in Europe. She says Kane was the symbol of inhumanity, the absence of the capacity to love, the symbol of greed, a total failure as a man. He seems to represent America to her.
Meanwhile, Henry Miller is in Hollywood where he believes he has finally found what he's been looking for in America - "the vital spot for people like us." He says in Hollywood, he has begun to get something out of America and is filled us with things to write about. Out West, they are isolated from the rest of the country, in a favorable climate, have sun and water and mountains, and people are genuinely good hearted.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
February, 1941: The Writer
"The actual life comes in small pieces, but it creates great echoes. I focused on the human drama, movement, action. Less on the marvelous heightened sensations they caused. The writing grew tighter, more economical. The focus on life. In the last diaries, there is at last a fusion of life, fantasy, reverie, action, and they flow together. I dream, I carry out the dream, I live, I dream about what I live, and this nourishes the next step, which is the story," Anais Nin describes the act of writing in this entry of her Diary.
She continues to write erotica for the collector, and she spends every bit of her earnings and more, helping all the friends and acquaintances that she can.
She continues to write erotica for the collector, and she spends every bit of her earnings and more, helping all the friends and acquaintances that she can.
Monday, June 4, 2012
January, 1941: Erotica
Anais Nin continues to write erotica for the collector. The Diary falls by the wayside because she actually makes money for the erotica she writes - $100 for 100 pages. Her earnings from erotica pay for her friend's medical bills and traveling expenses; she cooks her own meals, and her maid comes only once a week.
She feels "mysteriously exhausted, deep down." Perhaps it is because she is giving up something that is meaningful to her, and she is is survival mode. Even though the world today knows Anais Nin as the woman who writes erotica, she does not want to be known as that woman; she was to be known as a real writer. She is compromising her integrity and is feeling the effects on her mind, body, and spirit.
She feels "mysteriously exhausted, deep down." Perhaps it is because she is giving up something that is meaningful to her, and she is is survival mode. Even though the world today knows Anais Nin as the woman who writes erotica, she does not want to be known as that woman; she was to be known as a real writer. She is compromising her integrity and is feeling the effects on her mind, body, and spirit.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
December, 1940: Nature
"Henry returns from his wanderings. He tells me about America. He reads me sections he has written. He has been looking for something to love. Nature, yes, that was extraordinary," Anais begins this entry of her Diary.
Nature is nourishing, nurturing, life-affirming. Its unspoiled beauty inspires hope and awe in us through its power and mystery. Its feeds our creative spirits and cleanses us and gives us perspective. Being in nature can take away our frustrations and give us energy.
Go to a park, sit on a bench, and watch the squirrels frolic. Go to the beach and listen to the water. Go to the state park and hike. Have a picnic in your back yard. Paddle a canoe down the river. Pick your own strawberries or blueberries. Go horseback riding. Sleep outside. Lay on a blanket and watch the clouds. Swing as high as you can on a swing set. Hug a tree. Hang your clothes to dry outside. Plant a garden.
Then you too will say, nature, yes, that was extraordinary.
Nature is nourishing, nurturing, life-affirming. Its unspoiled beauty inspires hope and awe in us through its power and mystery. Its feeds our creative spirits and cleanses us and gives us perspective. Being in nature can take away our frustrations and give us energy.
Go to a park, sit on a bench, and watch the squirrels frolic. Go to the beach and listen to the water. Go to the state park and hike. Have a picnic in your back yard. Paddle a canoe down the river. Pick your own strawberries or blueberries. Go horseback riding. Sleep outside. Lay on a blanket and watch the clouds. Swing as high as you can on a swing set. Hug a tree. Hang your clothes to dry outside. Plant a garden.
Then you too will say, nature, yes, that was extraordinary.
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