Winter, 1964 - 1965: Artist's Solution

Anais Nin says that "if one is not comfortable in human life, one dreams. But these dreams can be fulfilled and create a world that is endurable."

What better way to end 2012 than by dreaming of the world you want and then starting 2013 by creating that world.

Fall, 1964: The Self

Anais Nin writes: "It is from England that America inherited its taboo on the personal. To be interested in self-development, in self-growth, in self-education and improvement is inevitably a symptom of neurosis, narcissism, egocentricity. Never had the word 'ego' been so misinterpreted as in America. The dictionary definition is: 'The self that feels, thinks, wills, and acts.' It is always confused with egocentricity, or egomania, which is altogether another thing. The only virtuous state in America is a collective spirit. Humanism should be the result of such virtue, but it is totally absent. And what can a nonexistent self contribute to the universal? This great American persecution of the self does not recognize the egomania of competition, of ambition and greed. And this so-called non-self has resulted in a people who can be brainwashed more easily than any other because without the self there is no power of discrimination or evaluation."

Summer, 1964: Deep Disappointment

Anais Nin suffers "another deep disappointment, when I least expected it" when the film script for Spy did not materialize.

Disappointment is inevitable. It can occur at various levels on a daily basis. We set ourselves up for it by having expectations, hopes, dreams, wishes that don't come true. What is the cure? Should we stop having these expectations, etc., or should we modify them, expect less? Or should we control our disappointment by forgiving those who let us down, remembering that we too have let others down when we don't even realize it?

Spring, 1964: Fame

Anais Nin meets Marguerite Duras in Paris, where they talk of adapting A Spy in the House of Love for the screen.

Her novels appear in bookshop window displays.

She is interviewed and photographed.

Radio Canada records a program on her life and work.

Anais is realizing every dream she ever wished but says she is not made for public life because of her stage fright. However, she says the acceptance she receives in Paris makes her feel less lonely.

Winter, 1963 - 1964: Too Much Information

Anais Nin in this diary entry speaks of biographers and asks, "What race of men feeds on other's lives?" She is concerned with the letters that writers of her era wrote each other, filled with secrets and sacred trusts, that if they fell in the wrong hands, could make public what had been personal and intimate.

Anais speaks of historians in much the same way: "Many lies will be told, many inventions, distortions, in spite of documentation, as are told in fiction."

In today's world, with all the various avenues of social media, people are free to feed on their own lives, share too much information with anyone who will listen, tell lies, invent, distort, turn themselves into someone they want to be or wish they were, someone they think is better than themselves, someone they think others will find fascinating, interesting, a rock star.

What would Anais Nin think of all the boorish details that people today provide the world, the me, me, me focus that makes average people feel like celebrities?

Fall, 1963: More on LSD

Anais Nin is drawn to the fact that people understand her novels when they are under the influence of LSD whereas when not under the influence, this understanding eludes them. LSD could instantly open their senses and unconscious, while with other methods such as analysis, this opening was not so quick or easy. Many artists naturally have access to the visions, senses, dreams, feelings, imagination, invention, creation that LSD makes available to the masses. Anais feels that the real culprit is "a culture which made drugs necessary, a culture of false values, slavery to commerce, taboos in the dream, aesthetics and the senses, taboos on imagination and freedom of the individual."

Summer, 1963: LSD

Anais Nin experimented with LSD in the fall of 1955 under a doctor's supervision, and now, almost eight years later, she's meeting Timothy Leary and others, discussing the pros and cons of its use. Her experience resembled a "waking dream very closed to the states I reached by writing. I did not realize that America with its pragmatic culture had no access to this inner world." Anais says further that no one except neurotics and psychoanalysts paid attention to dreams and that many people had never been taught to dream, "to transcend outer events and read their meaning. They had been deprived of all such spiritual disciplines."

She ends this entry of her diary with columns "for" and "against" LSD.

For LSD: it's a shortcut to the unconscious, expanded consciousness, greater awareness of the unconscious self that children and artist have and is useful for those who've become out of touch with their deepest self. It can provide inspiration, creativity, imagination, spontaneity.

Agaist LSD: it should not be used carelessly by people seeking "kicks" and without supervision because it can be dangerous to people with heart or liver problems, and people should not drive, swim, or go to work under its influence.

Spring, 1963: Friends

Anais Nin's friend says to her, "To have a sensitive, understanding friend, or not to, makes all the difference in the world, I now think. When you are cared for and loved by someone else, suddenly you find yourself so precious and worthy of being alive."

Do you have at least one of these friends?

Winter, 1962 - 1963: Diary of Others

Anais Nin reveals in this entry of her diary that from now on, her diary will be called the Diary of Others. "I have decided to retire as the major character of this diary," she proclaims. She says further that she is transitioning away from herself, shedding herself.

Anais is often referred to as a narcissist, as are many who keep a diary, with the focus on the self. Is self discovery and development so bad? Isn't psychological deep sea diving into the depths of yourself not okay? Isn't venting in your journal a good way to release emotions and say what you really feel without hurting anyone or having regrets about what you say to someones face? And it's fun, documenting your life and your development, your likes and dislikes, the good times and bad times, so that you can remember it all.

Fall, 1962: Reunited with Henry Miller

Anais Nin last visited Henry Miller at his home in Big Sur, California, in 1947, nearly 15 years earlier. She writes, "Our mutual interest in Roger Bloom [a man serving a life sentence in the Missouri State Penitentiary] renewed our friendship. Henry gave me a present of the copyright on his letters to me."

Henry tells her his success is meaningless. What gives his life meaning is a few special letters he receives from people like Anais, who writes, "I do not think of him as a lonely man. His relationship to the world was always more important to him than his intimate relationships. He never loved anyone more than himself. He would never die of a broken heart."

Summer, 1962: Anais and her Diary

Henry Miller said Anais Nin's diary would be a great contribution to literature for the next hundred years.

Is anyone still reading it besides me? Does it affect anyone else as it does me? Do you identify with Anais as I do?

It was a great undertaking to get her diaries, her true life's work, published, to turn her dream into reality. During her 50's, 60's, and 70's, when many people think it's too late to take on a big project, to make a contribution to future generations, Anais does just that.

Spring, 1962: Editing the Diary

Anais Nin started her diary when she was 11 years old and on her way to America in 1914. She has continued it since, and it's now in its 103rd volume. She uses it as a notebook or sketchbook and at times, draws from it for her novels. She is now editing it for publication, typing and revising 175 pages to date. She believes she will be at work on this project for the rest of her life.

Winter, 1961 - 1962: Contagion of Indifference

Do people have power to create their destiny?

Or are they prey to their moods and the moods of others?

Do they act or wait to be acted upon?

Is their passivity the cause of withering and isolation and solitude?

What is the cure - desire, passion?

How can you get the cure if you are too bored and empty to even try?

In this diary entry, Anais Nin watches a film that explores the above themes. Then, she has the opportunity to go to Paris yet again - staying at the Hotel de Crillon, exploring the Louvre, dining at the Jockey Club.

Fall, 1961: Loneliness

Anais Nin believes that loneliness occurs when we do not have a person who will listen to us, a person we can confide in, a person with whom we can be intimate. She believes when we do not have this person, when we have to go to a therapist or to a group to voice our confidences instead, loneliness occurs because the intimacy is lacking.

Summer, 1961: Mystery of Self-Undoing

When Anais Nin meets someone who is suffering, she can't help but try to figure out where their life went wrong, where order turned into chaos, so that she can help them change the downward spiral of their life.

Spring, 1961: Hemophilia of the Soul

Anais Nin writes much about anger. Here is an excerpt from a letter she wrote to a poet in prison:

"My only concern is your unhealed anger, and your pessimism, what I call, when I'm guilty of it, hemophilia of the soul, unhealing wounds caused by others' cruelties.... The moment an artist becomes bitter he has ceased to possess his own world; he has gone over to the enemy camp, the enemies of his work, who had intended to embitter him, knowing it kills creativity.... Destruction is going on all around us but so is creation. We can choose sides.... All of us have been at some time or other humiliated, betrayed, but our real life depends on how we react to such experiences."

Winter, 1960 - 1961: Bitterness

"Bitterness is the thing to watch - toxic. I watch it in myself; when I see it forming like an abscess, I operate fast. Da Vinci's life, filled with frustrations, humiliations, a million projects defeated by others - but each time one failed, he picked up another. If he could not get a mural order he wanted, he took up the study of anatomy; when his airplane failed, he took up the study of birds; when his patrons poisoned his life, he designed a church, or took up astronomy. We all have plenty of causes for anger, but if we let it grow it becomes war and leads to death of all life," Anais Nin writes in a letter to a poet in prison.

Fall, 1960: Resistance to Writing

"I at times enjoyed printing, bathing the dog, stacking wood for the fireplace, etc. more than writing. But when I am typing a diary (now volume 79) the entire life is re-created and it is such an intense pleasure to re-create a moment of life and love that it is worth the struggle. Often I did not know what I had done, or that I had done it. It was when I seemed most careless and casual that I would miraculously give the sensation I had experienced sur le vif. Writing is a curse only when there are no readers. Almost every other occupation gives more pleasure: cooking, sewing, gardening, swimming, but none of them gives you back the life which is flowing away from us every moment," Anais Nin admits.

Summer, 1960: Letters to Prison

In 1960, both Anais Nin and Henry Miller began correspondence with Roger Bloom, who was serving a life sentence in the Missouri State Penitentiary for holding up a bank with a toy gun when he was 17. Anais and Henry feel Roger is a sincere, changed man and should be given parole. He reads and writes and gives lectures against crime, and at Christmas, he was allowed out with guards to distribute toys to children in orphanages. The joint effort helped to renew the friendship between Anais and Henry.