January, 1944: New Year's Eve in Harlem

1943 has come and gone. Anais Nin is celebrating New Year's Eve in Harlem. Good music, dancing, no alcohol allowed at the Savoy Ballroom nor necessary because the people don't need it to feel alive and expressive.

Anais reflects on herself and how she wants to be wise, evolved, an ideal person, and of course, this is difficult for any person as we all face anger, jealousy, selfishness, irresponsibility. She seems to be particularly hard on herself, her imagination working against her, the lack of sales from her books and continued economic pressures result in feelings of anxiety, depression, loneliness, frustration, defeat.

October, 1943: More about Dreams & Reality

Many people have similar dreams: missing a whole semester of classes then realizing final exams are upon you; being out in public and realizing you are naked.

What Anais Nin says in this entry of her Diary is that even though you and I may have similar dreams, it does not draw us together; it does not create a human relationship. Whereas, if we had similar reality - you and have both have 4-year-old daughters, or you and I are both vegans - we do find that connection; we are not lonely or alone.

Does this make sense?

Fall, 1943: Anais Nin Quotes on Truth, Darkness, Stories

This entry of the Diary contains some thought-provoking quotes:

Anais is thinking about themes for her next book: "There are very few human beings who receive the truth, complete and staggering, by instant illumination. Most of them acquire it fragment by fragment, on a small scale, by successive developments, cellularly, like a laborious mosaic."

Along the same lines, she comes up with a portrait of a person: "When one does not wish to face the darkness in one's self, one relates to the dark person who will represent this, and then one engages in a duel with that person, in place of a duel with one's own shadow self."

Anais loves listening to the stories of others and creating her own: "Stories are the only enchantment possible, for when we begin to see our suffering as a story, we are saved. It is the balm of the primitive, the way to exorcise a terrifying life."

July, 1943: Southampton

Caresse Crosby invites Anais Nin to Southampton, which Anais finds ugly and snobbish, but she does enjoy the beach, the sun, sleeping, resting, friends, dinners, visiting, artists.

June, 1943: Music & Dancing

Anais says, "There are many ways to understand and to know others, and it is not only by music, dancing or talking but more importantly, by loving. Music and dancing create more intimacy than talk."

Talk, talk, talk, can be hollow, hollow, hollow. Listening to a chatterbox is very wearing. Alternatively, being with someone who has nothing to say can be baffling. With some people, it is difficult to fall into intimate talk.

Dancing until 5 a.m. at the Savoy Ballroom in Harlem fires the creativity and arouses passion and life. Music, laughter, losing ourselves, flowing, dreaming, experiencing heightened living, joy.

May, 1943: Anxiety

Anais Nin calls anxiety an illness of the soul because it's an invisible drama, intangible, misunderstood, mysterious. Since it's invisible, other people tend not to have empathy. You're not physically sick or hurt; you haven't lost a loved one; there hasn't been a tragedy. It's hard to explain to others what you are feeling and why.

So what do you do? Relax, close your eyes, and take a deep breath. Do something you find enjoyable - listen to music, sit in the park and watch squirrels play, take a long soak in the tub. Go to bed, watch favorite movies, and have a bed picnic. Do something physical - take a walk, do some gardening, dance.

Any other thoughts on what to do to get some perspective back?

March, 1943: Books

Ever wonder why you think a book is the best thing you ever read but your friend doesn't share your enthusiasm? Anais Nin has this to say about why certain people are drawn to certain books:

"But I am fully aware now that people do not judge literature objectively, as a work of art. A book is judged almost entirely by a person's need, and what people respond to is either a reflection of themselves, a multiple mirror, or an elucidation of their time, a concern with their problems, fears, or a familiar atmosphere which is reassuring by its familiarity."

January, 1943: Three Gods of the Deep

Anais Nin's three favorite authors and some of her notes on them from this volume of her Diary:

Fyodor Dostoevsky -  writes of a constant passion between people; studies the exaltations of instinct and impulses, the dangers of emotional passions; is occupied by the question of jealousy which brings a suffering not complicated by a feeling of hatred for the rival; seems to establish in the human soul a kind of stratification.

D.H. Lawrence - gives instinct a language; uses the phrase "livingness" to describe mobility, ease, flowingness of a person; speaks of people being "all rosy and healthy on the outside, but all ashes inside" when they hide anxieties and fears; describes intellectuals as being "all up in the head."

Marcel Proust - studies love's fragmentations; analyzes love's disintegrations and the malady of doubt and jealousy; his is the book to read at the seashore - the wavelike rhythm of his phrases are like waves of the sea; refines nuances of relationships.

Winter, 1942: Laboratories of the Soul

Laboratories of the soul: "Where essences are manufactured which defeat ugliness, poverty, debts, humiliations, defeats."

Epidemic of hatred: "The worse the state of the world grows, the more intensely I seek to create an inner and intimate world in which certain qualities may be preserved."

Selection of proofs: "Because a businessman's sympathies were with capitalism, he managed to see and hear only what made capitalism seem justified."

What is essential: "The actual world would be vital if people knew what is essential, but they confuse the actual with contingencies and petty immediacies, fads, fashions, modes, mores, all of them evanescent, puerile, futile."

The meaning of the unconscious: "I wanted to unravel the meaning of the unconscious and bring it into consciousness so that our very life could be lived in harmony with its fertile, unending richness. By unearthing the unconscious, one found an infinite source of creativity, and the problem lay simply in how well, how eloquently to express the rich diggings."

Detective story: "The most intricate and fascinating detective story in the world is the tracking down of incidents and misinterpretations which create a distortion of reality. Neurosis plants only the seeds of death in every relationship. The magic consists in the fact that the changes you affect within yourself in turn affect others. Anxiety breeds anxiety, doubt breeds doubt, fear breeds fear. As you get free of yours, there is a chain reaction on all those around and close to you. Tranquility is contagious, peace is contagious. There is the contagion of serenity and joy."

The dream: "Something always eludes the scientist, the poets, the stargazers, the biologists, the anthropologists. Something eludes the informers, detectives, police, lawyers. It is the dream. And what lies in the deformed mirrors of the dream and haunts our sleep is the secret of everything."

October, 1942: Magic Sieve

Anais Nin has a friend that uses what she calls a "magic sieve," where she lets all the bad experiences pass through the sieve and lets the good memories remain. She is able and willing to let go internally of situations instead of accumulating junk which would create an emotional burden. Bad experiences can breed resentments, which can be fed with thoughts and lead to your carrying around unnecessary baggage. Anais's friend has learned not to keep the bad events or situations alive in her mind.

How does she accomplish this? By recreating herself each day. By getting busy and focusing on her dreams and building her relationships. By turning negative events into a comedy in her mind. By filling her life with music and books and interesting people. By transforming old things into new. By cooking with care.

Summer, 1942: Basic Needs

Henry Miller writes in a letter to Anais Nin that he's got his fundamentals covered - a roof over his head, cigarettes, and food - so there's not much to worry about. Food and shelter are universal basic needs, but what else do we need? The answer varies by person. I can do without cigarettes, but I need 8 hours of sleep a night, and I need to drink a ton of water, and I need to have fun. What are your fundamentals, and do you have them secured?

Meanwhile, Anais is struggling. She thought that printing Winter of Artifice and the press in general would solve her money problems, but they haven't. She is focused on the difficulties in her life and compares climbing the five flights of stairs to her apartment to the struggles, fatigue, discouragement, problems, and burdens in her life. She is aware that tomorrow will be the same, as will the day after that, and the day after that... Her basic needs for money and a feeling of success are not being met.

April, 1942: Roles & Expectations

We all play a role in some one's life, and we are often unaware of the expectations this other person has of us. Anais Nin speaks of her father and how he failed the role that she, the daughter, assigned him. She had certain expectations, and he did not live up to them. He did not protect her or comfort her or teach her or guide her or offer her companionship, and yet she saw him offer these things to others who did not even expect it of him. This lead her to judge him and be cruel to him.

Think of the different roles you play in your life. What guides you in each role? What is important to you in each area? What is important to the recipient of each role to which you are assigned? Roles give our lives definition and structure and lead us in certain directions and are certainly worthy of giving thought to.

March, 1942: Wishes

When someone was writing a biography and asked Anais Nin where to begin, she replied, "Name, first of all, all the wishes you had, and then tell which ones came true and which ones did not."

This reminds me of a recent trip to New York. There was a list of what to do, which expanded when there, then became a list of what was done, and ended with a list of what to do next time.